Almost There…! 🤹🏼‍♀️🎢

It’s the eve of my second to last quarter of grad school and I am feeling anxious as hell! There’s this part of me that can taste the savory end and this other part of me that is preparing for a bungee jumping adventure and my harness is a touch too loose. It doesn’t help that I’m starting out 2018 like a clumsy toddler fumbling for a lost pacifier in a ball pit. My dryer is producing this God awful burning smell that we are trying to fix before it starts a house fire. I just found out that my dog has a tooth fracture that could lead to her becoming very sick if we don’t spend $2000 to get it fixed. I almost dropped a bottle of tabasco sauce on my head but it landed on my coffee grinder instead and shattered the most vital piece of the grinder. Super grateful that it wasn’t my head! Oh, and I got my dates mixed up and missed my first class. Not sure why they decided to make school start in the middle of the week, as opposed to starting at the beginning of the week, but hey! And this morning, my graceful self snapped a handle straight off a mug. Just call me she hulk!

I just feel like a god damn hot mess, y’all! And I just want to feel like I have my shit together!

The start of a new quarter means more evaluation and more criticism! And let me tell you, evaluation and criticism do not always make you feel like you got your shit together. In reality, I know it is so not that bad. In the end, it will make me a better therapist. It just starts to weigh on you after a while. It doesn’t help that I have not managed to make good friends in this program. I mean, I have people I can chat with but no one that I can really talk to. No one to look forward to seeing at school. And that human connection is so crucial to perseverance. Don’t get me wrong. I have the will to get through this program. I have a great support system outside of school. It would just help to have someone on the inside, ya know? Then maybe I wouldn’t do things like miss the first day of classes.

When I decided to go back to school, I thought it would be like re-living my years as an undergrad… It so isn’t! At this point, I just can’t wait to get that degree and start making money again. And I think this is an unfortunate mindset to have. I try to remain positive and embrace the moment, but it is just not working. I want to wake up everyday excited to go to school and internship but nope! Can’t do it. It doesn’t help that I am a slight germ-a-phobe and my internship site is not for the germ avoidant.

I need an attitude adjustment! One of the other interns at my site is constantly sing songing “I need an attitude adjustment.” I think I am going to adopt this mantra. And the other sassy one says “I don’t know if I want to be a therapist anymore.” Rough times where it is tough to be positive.

But here’s the thing… The hell of grad school will be worth it in the end. I will get to be paid for something that I enjoy. I get to hold a space for human vulnerability every day. I get to keep learning things that I find interesting and worth while. And I can continue growing in my humanity each and every day.

I write this for cathartic release. I write this to give myself an attitude adjustment. I write this to remind myself to pull up my big girl panties and stop bitching.

And so it is…“`

The Holidays Are…?

Christmas is here my friends! Currently writing this while in the car, on the way to see my husband’s fam. We are obviously running late because that is the story of our lives. We may or may not have had a little too much Christmas cheer last night. Coincidentally, mixing apple jack brandy, cranberry ginger ale, and Pinot Grigio makes for a delightful cup of holiday greatness. A cup you very much need after splitting your Christmas time between 5 different sets of families.

This year, I tried to veer away from my typical grinchy ways and took more of a elfish approach to Christmas. I started off the season by decorating the group home for my clients. They were not quite feeling the Christmas spirit but what can you do. Then we did some zoo lights, struggled to make a ginger bread house, and attended a hilarious play entitled, “Santa’s Big Red Sack.”Throw all of that in with some Christmas shopping, gift wrapping, and home decorating of our own, and you’ve got yourself a recipe for Christmas spirit.

A phrase I heard frequently uttered throughout the season was “Holidays are hard!” It’s interesting because this is not something I put much thought into over my lifespan. It’s not because the holidays have been void of difficulty for me. I think it’s just that I’ve never thought about putting it into words. I never thought about generalizing an entire season like that. I’ve just always taken it step by step. Oh yeah, today it sucks that my divorced parents are guilting the hell out of me to spend more time with one or the other. Oh, I hate all those back handed compliments and straight up insults that get tossed around like a hot potato at family gatherings. Don’t forget the good old fashioned passive aggression. Wait, remember the pressure to buy nice gifts for all those people you aren’t even that close to? What if you don’t have family or friends? What if you are grieving? There is a reason suicide rates go up over the holidays. Damn, I guess the holidays are hard.

Can I share a secret though? I hate that fucking phrase! And I 100% cannot figure out why. Maybe it’s the childish part of my soul that wants to hold the holidays in magical regard. Maybe it’s because it’s just said too often. Maybe it makes me feel guilty for having a good time over the holidays. Maybe it serves as an ugly reminder of my own pain and anxiety. I sincerely apologize for hating this phrase. It makes me feel like an insensitive ass hole. But it is just the ugly truth.

At this point in my life, I still have reason to enjoy the holidays. I mean there is glitter, pretty lights, happy children, you get to keep a tree in your house, more glitter, cookies, lots of other baked goodies, lovely and yet pain in the ass family time, thoughtful gifts, did I mention the glitter? Trust me, I understand that the holidays are super hard and dreadful for so many. I am not at all trying to discount that painful experience. I just had to vent about my feelings regarding that unfortunate phrase.

Nevertheless, go have yourself a hard but happy holiday! Namaste!

Together We Reach And Together We Bear

You know that feeling in your heart telling you that something is off? That slight flutter below your rib cage… That tightness in your chest… The feeling of your internal self taking a plunge to the floor but your physical self is standing firm… It just takes one text… One phone call… One too many expectations… A little chemical imbalance anyone? Or maybe it just comes out of nowhere… Sometimes I feel like I’m having a heart attack or an allergic reaction. Occasionally I feel paralyzed. In a less extreme moment, I just feel off. Breath becomes hard to come by but is the key to climbing out of this abyss of the mind. This is my anxiety. She’d probably lie and say it’s nice to meet you but she’s busy throwing up in a dark corner of my brain right now. Such a nasty bitch.

I like to imagine tying her up and locking her in a closet. Occasionally I’ll deliver a mean upper cut to her jaw. I’ll do anything to try and push her away so I can bring myself back down to earth. I use healing crystals, essential oils, breathing exercises, and meditation. In a real pinch, I’ll pop some Xanax but once that magic wears off I worry about losing my memory from it later in life. What a joke, right? But this is the joke that people with anxiety live whenever that bitch decides to drunkenly strut back into their minds.

It seems as though anxiety is becoming synonymous with American life. It’s all about the goals and success… Always gaining and rising above… Improve… You can do better! Don’t be late. Get that A. Get that positive review. Ignore the haters. Eat healthier… Become more fit… Clean, Clean, Clean! Am I the only one who seems to have a washed up high school cheerleading coach for a brain? It’s truly exhausting and enough to cause a minor existential crisis from time to time.

What do we do? We keep that shit to ourselves because if we don’t, we seem crazy! We feel like we are going into anaphylactic shock on the inside, yet we just keep on smiling and waving on the outside. We see random people on the street who probably feel the same way we do, and we will never know. The only reason I know is because I work in mental health. I listen to people’s darkness and hidden truths on the daily. It’s a brutal world we live in. Horrible shit happens! Things are unexplainable, unreconcilable, unforgivable, and unbelievably painful. But you know what? There is always a flip side. Yeah, life sucks sometimes. Shit is hard, annoying, uncertain, stress inducing, etc. But life is also joyous, celebratory, full of adventure, peaceful, and a learning opportunity. Life is enough! I just read a post where someone listed all the things in life that are enough so I am going to give that a whirl here.

Enough is a powerful word. If you consider the origins of the word, you learn that the first element of the word means together and the second element means to reach or to bear. Things that are enough… Things with which life becomes bearable. Things with which we can reach potential. That’s pretty nifty if you ask me. With all of that being said, here’s my list of things that are ENOUGH. The list of different things which soothe that anxious monstrous who enters my brain now and again. *Probably not going to be comprehensive but it’s a start to keeping a more positive mindset.*

  1. An enchanting story that drags you in and leaves you wanting more
  2. The smell of essential oils, especially lavender
  3. A new perfume that feels like spraying on confidence
  4. A hug from a baby who is happy to see you
  5. Laughing until you cry and can’t breathe
  6. Fresh baked anything delicious
  7. Successfully soothing a sad child
  8. Observing the silence that sometimes accompanies freshly fallen snow
  9. The feel of a freshly cleaned home
  10. An amazing homecooked meal… especially green chili, homemade tortillas and refried beans
  11. Hearing the life history of your grandparents
  12. Cat and dog snuggles
  13. Baby snuggles
  14. The smell of Johnson’s baby products (I may or may not have baby fever)
  15. The love that fills your soul when your husband does something that reminds you why you married him in the first place
  16. Melting into a hug from the husband
  17. The joy that fills a dog’s step when they receive a new toy
  18. A refreshing meditation session
  19. Learning a new skill
  20. Holding a new born swaddled in a blanket
  21. Observing tired but passionately loving parents
  22. An unexpected compliment
  23. Feeling the sand beneath your toes
  24. Opening and pouring a bottle of wine
  25. Making coffee

Ok seriously, if you made it this far, you should definitely give this a try. I already feel more positive and a little lighter. Thank you for reading. Cheers!